Dick'taphone Lyrics

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Dick'taphone Lyrics

by Kevin Bloody Wilson

HELLO OPERATOR. I'D LIKE TO MAKE A CALL
CAN I HAVE 477 3104?
I'M SORRY SIR, COULD YOU REPEAT THAT NUMBER ONCE AGAIN?
477 3104, DID YA GET IT THEN?

COULD YOU SPEAK A LITTLE SLOWER? 477'S ALL I GOT
3104, ARE YOU BLOODY DEAF OR WHAT?
LOOK, I GOT THE FIRST BIT, BUT I JUST CAN'T GET THE LAST
WELL STICK THAT FUCKIN' PHONE UP YOUR FUCKIN' ARSE

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STICK THAT FUCKIN' PHONE, UP YOUR FUCKIN' ARSE
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FUCKIN' HELP, NOT MAKE IT FUCKIN' HARD
I'M JUST TRYIN' TO MAKE A CALL, BUT YOU'RE JUST BEING SMART
SO YOU CAN STICK THAT FUCKIN' PHONE, UP YOUR FUCKIN' ARSE

GOOD MORNING I'M FROM TELECOM, COME TO DISCONNECT YOUR PHONE
FOR A BREACH OF REGULATIONS JUST A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO
YOU UPSET OUR OPERATOR WITH A PRETTY NASTY CALL
WHAT ARE YOU FUCKIN' ON ABOUT? IT WAS ALL HER FUCKIN' FAULT!

WELL SHE CLAIMS THAT IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT, SHE REALLY WAS DISTRESSED
WHAT ABOUT YOUR CUSTOMERS, SHE UPSET ME FIRST!
WE'VE GOT HER WRITTEN STATEMENT, WHICH SHORTLY WILL BE READ
BUT IT MIGHT HELP IF YOU'D RECALL EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID

I SAID

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WELL THAT'S NOT EXACTLY ON SIR, IT'S JUST NOT ON AT ALL
YOU MUST USE COMMON ETIQUETTE IF YOU WISH TO MAKE A CALL
AND 'PLEASE' AND 'THANK YOU' ALSO HELP, YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT
'PLEASE' AND FUCKIN' 'THANK YOU' WELL YOU FUCKIN' TELL HER THAT!

AND SHE KNOWS WITHOUT A TELEPHONE I'M REALLY IN THE SHIT
WELL PERHAPS IF YOU'D APOLOGISE THAT JUST MIGHT HELP A BIT
APOLOGISE? APOLOGISE? APOLOGISE TO WHO?
JUST GO IN AND ASK FOR OPERATOR 42

GOOD MORNING, ARE YOU WAITING? IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO?
YES, I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO OPERATOR 42
I'M SORRY SIR, I MISSED THAT, COULD YOU REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID?
AH SHIT! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! HERE WE FUCKIN' GO AGAIN!

OPERATOR 42, LOOK I'LL JUST WRITE IT DOWN
OH OPERATOR 42, I'LL SEE IF SHE'S AROUND
JEEZ, THEY'RE BLOODY USELESS, I'M SURE THAT THEY'RE ALL DEAF
NO WONDER THAT I DID ME QUINCE, NO WONDER THAT I SAID

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NOW THEY'LL MAKE ME SIT AROUND AND WAIT ALL BLOODY DAY
JUST SO THEY CAN MAKE ME SWEAT AND HAVE THE FINAL SAY
THAT'S LIKE THE PUBLIC SERVICEM THEY MAKE YOU SCRAPE AND BBOW
ARRGGHH SHIT! SHE'S FUCKIN' UGLY, IF THAT'S HER COMING NOW!

I'M OPERATOR 42, I'M BUSY, MAKE IT FAST
DID A BLOKE TELL YOU TO STICKTHAT FUCKIN' PHONE RIGHT UP YOUR ARSE?
YES HE DID, THE FILTHY ANIMAL, I REMEMBER NOW
WELL YOU'D BETTER FUCKIN' BRACE YOURSELF 'CAUSE THEY'RE BRINGING IT AROUND!!

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